On The Mend
by harper-fox33
Summary: Season one angst about Oliver’s state of mind after he comes back from Lian Yu. Depression, PTSD, and possibly other topics.
1. Thea’s Reality Check

First fic so don't judge.

I know this is set in season one but I'm rewatching it and I'm in need of some mentally messed up Ollie.

Sorry if I get any details wrong just trying to make it sound good.

Probably going to be multiple fics about Oliver having PTSD or depression but depends on reviews.

Anyway on to the fic.

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"Away? You weren't away, Ollie. You died! My brother and my dad died! I went to your funerals! Mom had Walter, and I had no one!"

Oliver laughed. "Oh really? You had no one? In case you've forgotten, I was the one stuck on an uncharted island! I'll admit that I lied. I wasn't completely alone. Some terrorists had a camp on the island. They liked to torture me when they got bored. That's where I got my scars."

All anger and frustration had fled as Thea gazed up at her undead brother with sympathetic eyes. "Ollie…"

He put his hand up and interrupted her. "No. I'm not done. So you were "alone" here, and I was not alone, but surrounded by torturous psychopaths who liked to watch the privileged white boy scream. I think you're forgetting something else as well. I lost dad too."

Oliver had a short internal debate about whether he should tell Thea the truth of their father's death, but ultimately decided to just tell the short version that didn't involve murder or suicide.

"You went to his funeral? Well guess what else I haven't told anyone? Dad made it to the life raft with me, then a few days later he died. I drifted for two more days with dads corpse before I reached the island."

He could see Thea was shaking, and if he paid more attention he would have noticed that he was as well, but he needed to say everything, so he continued.

"When I got to the island I buried him in rocks. That was the best funeral I could give the man who raised me. And while you sat on a velvet couch under a soft blanket eating gourmet ice cream, I fought for my life. I didn't even get a chance to mourn, because I was so focused on not dying!"

Thea moved to lower herself to a chair, unsure if she could trust her legs not to collapse under her.

"I fought so hard for five years Thea, thinking that you may have lost dad, but maybe you could still have me. If I could survive long enough to make it back. You, mom, and Laurel are the only reasons I kept fighting. The only reasons I put up with the knife carving into my stomach, the whip leaving welts across my back, the electric shocks that left me shaking, and the hundred other painful things I endured."

Thea couldn't stop the tears from flowing down her cheeks as she realized what Oliver had been through.

"So imagine how it felt to come back and find Laurel wishes I was dead, mom expects me to be CEO, you felt closer to me when I was dead, and Tommy is with Laurel. I have honestly wished multiple times that I could just go back to the island. Because at least when I was there, I still somehow believed you all cared about me."

Thea softened as she realized Oliver was done talking, and as she lifted her gaze she saw three figures standing in the doorway. Laurel, Tommy, and Moira.

Oliver however hadn't noticed much other than how difficult it was to suck in a breath.

Thea, Laurel and Moira were outright crying, verging on sobbing, while Tommy definitely had a few tear stains. Surprisingly though, Oliver's laboured breathing seemed to be the only thing off about him, and even that was quickly becoming more controlled.

"Oh Ollie…" Laurel breathed out between sobs.

"When the hell did you guys get there?" Any trace of possible vulnerability was gone and Oliver was once again wearing his stone mask. "How much of that did you guys hear?"

It was Tommy that managed to collect himself enough to reply. "Enough to feel so sorry for the way we've been treating you."

Oliver turned away in an attempt to shield himself from all the pain and guilt that surrounded him. This was his fault. He had hurt all his friends and driven them to tears. Some morbid little voice in the back of his mind whispered "at least you didn't kill anyone." And he relaxed ever so minutely it was imperceptible to everyone else in the room.

"Don't be sorry. I'm just overreacting. I got so used to not trusting anyone. Calling everyone the enemy. Now that I have friends and family back, I don't know how to deal with it."

Moira stepped towards her son in an effort to get him to turn towards her. "No honey, it's not your fault. We haven't been cutting you enough slack. I'm so sorry sweety please know that we're so glad you're home."

Finally Oliver turned around, extremely hesitantly, to look at his mom. However, when his eyes drifted past her to Laurel crying in the doorway, he quickly lowered his gaze. "I'm so sorry Laurel. For everything. You've earned the right to hate me. I can't believe I did that to you. But the island was my punishment. It was five years of absolute hell."

Oliver's voice broke on the last word and Laurel looked up just enough to see tear stains adorning Oliver's cheeks.

"I know nothing can really make up for this, and you don't have to forgive me, but I just want you to know how sorry I am."

By the end of his speech he was choking back sobs and had to sit down before his legs collapsed.

"I haven't slept more than two hours a night since I got back. I can barely eat without feeling sick. I brush up against a stranger in public and have to restrain myself so my reflexes don't take over and decapitate them."

"It's ok Ollie. We're here for you." Tommy spoke up before Laurel could. "If you need anything, you can talk to us." Oliver nodded but kept his head down.

"Dammit!" Everyone looked up to see Moira getting a call. "Hello? Yes! Yes of course! Alright, thank you!" The group watched her expectantly.

"I completely forgot we have a dinner to go to! Thea honey go put on a dress. Ollie do you think you can come?" Oliver steeled himself so that his face was so emotionless it actually scared those watching.

"Yes of course mother. I'll go get changed." He left the room without another word, Thea hesitantly following suit.

"I forgive him." Tommy and Moira looked at Laurel in surprise.

"I don't hate him. I've been pretending I did because it's easier on me, but it's harder on him, and I don't think I can do that anymore."

Moira internally breathed a sigh of relief, as she knew how much it ate away at Oliver that one of his best friends hated him. It seemed like a good sign. Maybe things really could get better.


	2. Investors Ignorance

Ok sorry this took so long. I restarted this story three times. I still don't think it's as good as the first chapter but it had to happen. I have some ideas for the next couple chapters and I'll try not to take so long next time. Reviews are love.

Disclaimer: if I owned Arrow I wouldn't be a teenager writing fanfic now would I?

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The dinner had been going great. Moira was sure she had already landed the investors and they hadn't even ordered yet.

Every time one of them asked Oliver a question about his time on the island, she could deflect it before he even had to answer.

Then Moira and Thea went to the washroom.

"So kid, is it true you weren't actually alone on that island?" The question caught Oliver off guard and he found himself wishing he were a better liar.

"I prefer not to talk about my time away." He tried to sound nonchalant but everyone could hear the ever so slight hint of panic in his voice.

"You know what's funny," one of the men began, "You always say 'my time away'. Never, 'my time on the island'. Makes you wonder how much you were actually on the island."

Oliver's panic went from 1-100 within moments. Logically, he was aware that there was no way this man knew he had been off the island for part of the time he was away, but some part of his mind whispered otherwise.

The man was just very observant and it had only been a statement, not an accusation. But in Oliver's head all he could think is that somehow this man knew about his time with ARGUS, and at any second he could tell everyone at the table.

He managed to steel his face for the time being, as he replied, "Where else would I have been? In case you haven't heard that island doesn't exactly let you come and go as you please."

Oliver was completely emotionless and it left the other people at the table unsure how to act.

However they weren't stunned for long. "So if you were alone on the island the whole time how did you get so many scars?"

Oliver really didn't want the world to know he was tortured, but he also knew that he was a very bad liar. He gripped the table cloth as his breathing quickened.

"As I already said, I prefer not to discuss my time on the island." He managed to get the sentence out through gritted teeth and hoped it sounded less strained than he felt.

"Ah, so now it's 'on the island'" one of the investors smirked. All of them seemed completely oblivious to Oliver's extreme discomfort.

"Hey, maybe some of his scars really are self-inflicted." Oliver closed his eyes and took a moment to reel in his anger.

"There were many wild animals on the island and in the water that surrounded it. There's also the fact that I fell down a cliff multiple times and didn't exactly have polysporin and sterile gauze to prevent scarring."

All of the things he said were true, which is why he could say them so easily. Technically he wasn't lying. Even if he had omitted the real source of most of his scars.

"You seeing a therapist? I mean, you must have horrible survivors guilt. Especially for that girl you brought along. Wasn't she your girlfriends sister? So you cheated on your girlfriend, with her sister, then got said sister killed while you survived. You must have one very pissed off ex!"

This time Oliver couldn't even answer. His mind was everywhere but in that restaurant.

_Sara drowning as she screamed his name. Laurel wishing he was dead. _

Oliver could no longer breath. He screwed his eyes shut and tried desperately not to gasp for air. It was at this moment that Moira and Thea came back from the washroom.

Immediately they could tell something was off just from the air of hostility surrounding the table. As they grew closer they caught part of the conversation.

"...you're dad too! Did you even bother to look for him once you got on the lifeboat?"

_BANG. The captain fell over the side of the life raft. Dad? BANG. No!_

Thea and Moira shared a glance before quickening their pace. When they reached the table Thea went straight to her brother and attempted to comfort him. Moira returned to stand at her place at the head of the table.

"What is going on here!" Her voice was much too loud for such a nice restaurant, but she never had been the best at controlling her anger when it came to her children.

"Come on, we were just talking to the kid." The men in question all nodded in agreement.

"Oh really? Then would someone care to explain why my son is in the middle of a full blown panic attack?"

The table turned their attention to where Thea was crouched next to her brother, rubbing soothing circles in his back and speaking in a calming tone, "you're ok Ollie. It's Thea. You're in Starling. You're not on the island anymore. You're safe."

However none of this was registering with Oliver. His mind was in a different time on a different continent and there was nothing anyone could do to bring him back for the time being.

_Sara. Dad. Yao Fei. Shado. Slade. Sara. Dad. Yao Fei. Shado. Slade. Sara. _

He screwed his eyes shut and fought not to gasp for air as he felt his throat constricting more and more by the second.

_"Time to choose Oliver. Who lives and who dies."_

The investors had gone silent as they could hear a faint mumble. "No. No. Please don't. Stop. Shado no. Please god no."

A single tear ran down Oliver's cheek as he relieved the worst moment of his life.

_Sara. Shado. Sara. Shado. No. It should be him. Not them. Never them. _

"What the hell did you guys say to him?" Moira was absolutely fuming and everyone couldn't help but whither under her furious gaze.

"W-we just asked him about the island. B-barely anything really."

Moira just glared harder. "Did you think about the fact that he has PTSD? Did you even consider that maybe talking about the island might upset him?"

The men in question chose to look anywhere but at Moira.

Meanwhile Thea could hear Oliver's breathing start to even out. Slowly her voice started flooding his ears. At first muffled and far away, but quickly getting clearer. Like resurfacing from deep water.

"Hey, Ollie. It's Thea. Deep breaths, ok? In and out. In and out."

Oliver did his best to focus on his sister and copy her breathing and after a tense couple seconds, he hesitantly opened his eyes.

"Oliver honey, are you ok?" He nodded firmly, not trusting his voice quite yet.

When the investors finally worked up the courage to look at him, they were shocked to find his face completely void of emotion. He wiped the tear stain off his cheek and you could barely tell he was still recovering from a panic attack.

He cleared his voice before announcing, "I'm going to head home if that's alright. Thank you for…" he trailed off, stopping himself from giving the automatic reply of, "the delicious meal" or "a lovely evening." After a moment of debate he continued.

"Thank you for considering investing in Queen Consolidated." His voice was completely back to normal, false arrogance and all.

He rose and exited the restaurant in one swift movement, leaving the table in utter silence for a full two minutes before it was interrupted by their waiter.

"Are we ready to order or do we need a couple more minutes?" He was met with stunned silence. "I'll come back."

Throughout the rest of the dinner conversation was much more strained, but luckily everyone had the common sense not to bring up what had happened with Oliver.

In the end Moira landed the investors for QC's Applied Sciences division and even managed to get a few extra pity dollars.

By the time the Queen women arrived back home Oliver was passed out on the couch with the news still on. Moira grabbed the remote and shut off the TV while Thea grabbed a blanket to throw over Ollie. They shared a look before sighing and retreating to their respective bedrooms.

Oliver smiled softly to himself as he drifted off to sleep with only one thought on his mind, "Thank god for family."


	3. Felicity’s Rude Awakening

I'm not dead!

I am however, the worst author of all time.

Life has been insanely stressful for the last couple months, but I know you don't _really _care about that.

Anyway, i'm not sure how frequent my updates will be for the next little bit, and for that i'm sorry.

I hope you all have had a great couple weeks and i'm sorry it's so late but without further ado: i présent to you, Chapter 3.

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Felicity had been working with Oliver and Dig for a little over two weeks, and so far she'd only ever seen him perform medicine on himself. He'd stitch up his own wounds, remove his own bullets, and even reset his own bones. It still shocked her how high his pain tolerance was.

She knew that they had a lot of medical supplies, and that Dig was trained, but she had never really thought about using those things. So when Dig rushed in carrying Oliver bridal style and started talking a mile a minute about all the things he needed, Felicity found herself rooted in place.

"Get the AED!" She was snapped out of her daze the second Dig had Oliver connected to the heart monitor. The single ominous beep that filled her ears and invaded her brain until it was all she could focus on.

AED. AED. Oh! That's the electricuter thingy! Where the hell do we keep that anyway?

She looked around frantically trying to remember where it was.

"Bottom drawer!" She immediately sprinted over to the drawers they stored their medical supplies in, trying to avoid looking at Oliver, who's ribs were now definitely broken from Dig's enthusiastic CPR.

"Got it!" She grabbed the box and quickly stuck the pads on his chest.

"Charge to 200! Clear"

Dig and Felicity took a step back as Oliver's body jerked and arched on the table. They watched the heart monitor expectantly.

"Damnit! Charge to 300! Clear!"

Once again they watched with bated breath as Oliver spasmed even more violently than the previous time. However, the shock was quickly followed by a consistent beep as his heart returned to a normal rhythm.

"Oh thank god!" Felicity couldn't hide her relief. "He's not out of the woods yet. Get me a suture kit for this wound and make some island herb tea will you?"

Felicity did as Dig asked and they soon discovered a bullet wound in his arm as well as the deep cut across his chest. Once he was all fixed up Dig and Felicity flopped down on their chairs in exhaustion.

"John, you look exhausted. Go home and get some rest." Diggle was prepared to argue, but he really didn't think he could keep his eyes open much longer. "Alright. Will you be ok to watch him?"

Felicity laughed. "You worried he'll wake up and decide to go back out on patrol?" They both chuckled for a couple of seconds before realizing that was definitely something Oliver would do.

The two sobered for a moment as Felicity said in a completely serious tone, "Yes, I'll watch him."

Dig gave his favourite blonde a quick hug before climbing the stairs and exciting the club as stealthily as he could manage.

Meanwhile, Felicity sat down in her favorite chair in front of her babies and began doing mindless research. However she was having trouble focusing, and eventually gave up.

She rolled her chair over so she was sitting next to the med table and just watched Oliver breath, listening to the steady beep of the heart monitor.

She sat there for close to an hour and had almost fallen asleep when she began to hear mumbling. Her exhausted brain took a moment to realize it was Oliver talking in his sleep.

She leaned in to try and hear what he was saying, but she couldn't understand him. She continued to listen as his voice got louder and louder, until a minute later it reached a volume that finally led her to realize he wasn't speaking English.

At first she thought maybe it was just random gibberish brought on by a mild to severe concussion, but she soon realized that it was a real language.

Although she couldn't be sure, it sounded like he may have been speaking Ukrainian or Russian.

It was almost amusing to listen to him. She liked trying to guess what he was saying just by the tone of his voice.

However, after a couple minutes she began to grow concerned, as his tone grew darker and more frantic. With every word he got louder, to the point where he was almost screaming.

He began to thrash on the table and Felicity grew concerned that he may roll right off. So, she made a decision.

She cautiously stood up and pushed her chair back. She inhaled a deep breath and held it as she place her hand on Oliver's shoulder.

"Ollie, Ollie wake up. It's just a dream."

His screaming grew louder and he pushed her arm away quite violently, much to Felicity's surprise.

His voice wasn't just angry however, it sounded pained. She also noticed that he appeared to be trying to protect his head with his hands.

Unable to bare watching him suffer anymore, she woke him up. She planted her arms firmly on his shoulders and shook him while yelling his name.

She had seen Dig do it before when Oliver was having a nightmare, but there was one thing that was different. In their haste to keep his heart beating, Dig and Felicity had forgotten to cuff Oliver to the table.

He continued to thrash against her grip for a couple seconds before he shot up into a sitting position. Before Felicity could react Oliver grabbed her neck with both hands and whirled around so she was pinned to the table.

She gasped and tried to pry his arms off, but he only squeezed tighter. She opened her mouth to tell him to stop but found that no air could get past his firm grip.

Meanwhile he stood calmly, eyes glazed over, obviously everywhere but there. Felicity scrambled to think of a way she could ground him back to reality. Finally she took a hand off of Oliver's arm and cautiously brought it towards his face.

He seemed more confused by the hand than anything, and she was both surprised and relieved when he allowed it to graze his cheek.

The gentle gesture had the desired effect, and Oliver's vice grip on Felicity's neck immediately loosened.

He removed his arms completely and stepped back in shock. Felicity took a moment to catch her breath before rasping out in a voice that was barely there, "Oliver…"

He stepped back even farther, looking down at his hands and mumbling, "no...no...no…"

Felicity took a deeper breath and made her voice much more confident as she said "Oliver it's ok."

He finally looked up from his hands, and Felicity could make out faint tear tracks running down his face. "No. No it's not ok. I hurt you Felicity. I _hurt_ you."

He turned away and buried his head in his hands, pushing against his forehead until it hurt. He deserved pain.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Felicity's heart broke when she saw how his shoulders shook. "Oliver it's alright. It's not your fault."

He couldn't handle it anymore. Without responding, the archer quickly made his way to the punching bag and began to beat the crap out of it.

Felicity could faintly make out the fact that he was mumbling under his breath, but whatever he was saying was lost to the continuous rapid thuds created every time his fists made contact with the bag. After what had to have been at least ten minutes of non stop punching, Oliver paused for a moment.

Felicity opened her mouth to once again reassure him, but before she even had the chance, he was standing under the salmon ladder rubbing chalk on his hands.

She remained silent as he did the entire ladder four times in a row (the most she's ever seen him do at once) until he finally dropped back to the mat underneath. She gave him a moment to catch his breath.

However, instead of walking back over to her, he proceeded to pick up a bow staff and walk towards one of the dummies. He raised the stick and got into a fighting stance.

"Wait." He froze. Not coming out of his stance, but also not yet beating the shit out of the dummy.

"Oliver please. Stop punishing yourself and talk to me." He contemplated her request for a moment, before dropping the staff and walking towards her.

"Why didn't you restrain me." His gaze refused to leave the floor and his voice was barely above a whisper.

"You crashed. We were a little preoccupied with trying to get your heart beating again." Oliver shrunk in even farther on himself.

"Oliver it's my fault. I should have checked that you were restrained before waking you up-" Oliver cut her off with a yell.

"I SHOULDN'T NEED TO BE RESTRAINED!" When Felicity flinched away from him, Oliver made sure to reign in her anger before continuing. "I should be in control of my emotions. Of my actions. I'm so sorry felicity."

He finally lifted his gaze, and the first thing he noticed was that she wasn't afraid of him. The second thing however was the bruising that had already started appearing along her neck. He looked away.

"What do you need? Ice? Tea? I'll get you some island herbs! Sit down and relax please." Felicity laughed.

"Oliver I don't need island herbs for a bruise, although i would appreciate some chamomile?" Oliver smiled but still couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes. "I'll make you some chamomile."

The rest of the night was fairly silent, as Felicity fell asleep shortly after finishing her tea. Oliver, of course, stayed up all night, making sure Felicity kept breathing. Wouldn't be the first time he accidentally crushed someone's windpipe.

At around eight the next morning, the door to the basement opened and a familiar veteran carrying three coffees and muffins to match made his way down the stairs.

Felicity woke up to the sound of the door closing and spun her chair to face Diggle.

"I see our beloved hero survived the night," He cast a quick glance at Oliver, pointedly ignoring the copious amount of bruises adorning the mans knuckles.

"And my favorite blonde IT g-" He stopped short when he finally got a good look at Felicity. Dropping the food on the nearest table, he ran over to her and began examining her neck.

"Holy shit Felicity! I swear to god when we catch the person who did this I am going to punch him out on the spot!" Oliver stood up.

"I'm right here. Have at it." Diggle just stared in disbelief, before looking towards Felicity with a questioning glance.

"It's not his fault though, you forgot to restrain him." Fury blazed in his eyes for no more than a moment, before the statement really sunk in and he looked over to see how heartbroken and guilty Oliver looked.

"I'm sorry man. This is all my fault." Oliver kept his head down as he brushed past the man's shoulder. Just before he got out of earshot, his partners faintly heard him mutter, "Nobody's fault but mine."


End file.
